[or-roots] Time for a break

[Verdena Veelle]

Hope that these offend no one.  My husband is Norwegian and his grandfather came from
Norway when young.
Verdena


 OLE & LENA'S HONEYMOON :
  Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were   nearing Minneapolis when
Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena  said, "Ole, you can go farther than that
if you vant to" So Ole  drove  to  Duluth.

  OUTHOUSE PROBLEMS :   When the Norwegian accidentally lost 50 cents in the outhouse,  he
immediately threw in his watch and billfold. He explained, "I'm  not  going down dere yust
for 50 cents."

  THAT'S HER!   A Norwegian appeared with five other men in a rape case police line-up.
As the victim entered the room, the Norwegian blurted,  Yep that's her!"

   SWIM COMPETITION    A Norwegian woman competed with a French woman and an English woman
in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim  competition.  The French woman
came in first, the English woman second. The  Norwegian woman reached shore completely
exhausted.  After being revived with blankets and coffee, she remarked, "I don't vant to
complain, but I tink those other two girls used their arms."

Famous inventions:   The Swedes invented the toilet seat.  Twenty years later the
Norwegians invented the hole in it.

  Why do Norwegians have such nice noses?   They're hand picked!

   VE COULDN'T AFFORD MORE  Two Norwegians from Minnesota went fishing in Canada and
returned with only one fish.  "The way I figger it, dat fish cost us $400" said the first
Norwegian.  "Vell," said the other one, "At dat price it's a good ting we didn't catch any
more."

  PROBLEMS ON THE FARM  Two Norwegians were trying to get a mule into their barn but it's
ears were too long.  One Norwegian suggested raising the barn.  The other one thought they
should dig a trench.  "No, you dummy," exploded the first, "it's the ears that are too
long, not the legs!"

   Why were wheelbarrows invented?  To teach Norwegians how to walk on their hind legs.

   LOST & FOUND :   A Norwegian nurse was asked why she had a rectal thermometer  behind
her ear.  "My goodness,: she exclaimed, "now I remember where I mislaid my pen."

   MILKING TIME    How many Norwegians does it take to milk a cow? Ten.... four to hold
onto the faucets and the other six to lift the cow up and down.

   BAR RIDDLE :   A Norwegian took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota. While in a bar,  an
Indian on the next stool spoke to the Norwegian in a friendly  manner.  "Look," he said,
"let's have a little game. I'll ask you a  riddle.  If  you can answer it, I'll buy YOU a
drink. If you can't then you buy ME  one.  OK?"  "Ja, dat sounds purty good," said the
Norwegian. The Indian said,  "My  father and mother had one child. It wasn't my brother.
It wasn't  my  sister.   Who was it?"  The Norwegian scratched his head and finally said,
"I give up.  Who vas it?"  "It was ME," chortled the Indian. So the Norwegian paid for the
drinks.   Back in Sioux Falls the Norwegian went into the bar and  spotted one of his
cronies and ask him the same questions,  I'll buy you a  drink.  If you can't, YOU have to
buy ME vun. Fair  enough?"  "Fair enough," said Sven.  Ok...my father and mudder had vun
child. It vasn't my brudder.  It  vasn't  my sister. Who vas it?" : "Search  me," said
Sven. "I give up, who vas it?"  "It vas some Indian up in Fargo, North Dakota."

 A Norwegian was strolling through the farm yard one day when he  gazed down to find
himself ankle deep in manure.  "Good heavens," he exclaimed, "I'm MELTING!"

  Fingernails:   One day Lena confided to her friend Hilda that she had finally cured her
nervous husband, Ole, of his habit of biting his nails.  "Good gracious,"  said Hilda,
"How did yew ever dew that?"  "It vas really simple," was Lena's reply. "I yust hid his
false teeth."

 THE RELATIONS :   Ole and Lena were getting on in years. Ole was 92 and Lena was  89.
One evening they were sitting on the porch in their rockers. Ole reached over and patted
Lena on her knee. "Lena, vat ever happened tew our sex relations?" he asked.  "Vell, Ole,
I yust don't know," replied Lena. "I  don't tink ve  even  got a card from dem last
Christmas."

   MUSIC SOLUTION :   Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later,  Lars
inquired how she was doing with it. "Oh," said Ole, "I persuaded  her to svitch to a
clarinet."  "How come?" asked Lars.  "Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet, she
can't sing."

 OPTOMETRIST :   Ole was having eye trouble, so he went to see the optometrist.  Put this
little gadget over your left eye, Ole," said the  optometrist.  "Now over the right eye,
Now over the left eye. No, Ole, I said left eye.  Now right ...   No Ole, your right eye!"
Completely confused, Ole just looked at the optometrist.  "Now, Ole," the optometrist
continued, "just remember which is your  left  hand. OK, Ole, cover your right eye....  No
Ole, that's your left  eye!"  Finally in exasperation, the optometrist took a brown paper
bag,  cut a  hole  in it, put it over Ole's head, and moved the hole back and forth  from
the  left eye to the right eye.  "Now, Ole," asked the optometrist, "How is  that?" "Vell,
Doc, I  guess  it's all right," said Ole. "But I vas vishing I could have some wire  rims
like Sven."